Monday, May 31, 2010

When life hands you lemons

I woke up today and turned on the radio. It was a song by Kenny Chesney, I forget the name of the song, I just knew it was him because I knew all of the words because an old high school boyfriend had bought me the c.d. years ago. It talks about a child being in the middle of a divorce and he sings "only five years old and her heart filled up with hurt". I had tears in my eyes when it all registered to me... maybe because it hit home. My first memory of my entire life is my dad packing his bags and I would have been 2 years old. I remember wanting to go to work with him but he gently pushed me in the direction of my mom, who was fighting back tears, trying to be strong. Only two years old and a heart filled up with hurt. Ive always said that my parents separation has never affected who I am because I was too young to really remember what it was like to have a "dad". Mom just did everything and I was always happy with that. My brothers I'm sure feel different about that because they were both significantly older than I was and were already in Elementary school. I remember my brother being upset in the living room window one day because his best friend who lived across the street from us, was outside playing catch with his dad. It was hard on them, but I always felt like I was the lucky one who conveniently "never knew" what a dad was. Losing mom to cancer when I was 13 also engulfed me with feelings and emotions that I could never begin to explain, I just endured, pressed forward because what else can you do. When your world stops, nobody else's does, and that's one thing I learned too damn young. But now a few years have passed me by and I'm in a completely different situation. I'm 24 and my heart has been filled up with hurt too many times. Its been lifted up just to be let down a few too many times, its been neglected and ignored too many times. So what has this made me become? I call it realistic, others call it negative (I prefer cynical) I find I can be completely insensitive to some people's issues because sometimes I seriously cant understand how people can be upset about something so small, even though in their current life it could be catastrophic. It has also made me tough, and appreciative of everything I have. My good days, I'm convinced, are better than most peoples good days. Ever heard the saying "The sweet just isn't as sweet unless you've tasted the bitter"? Well that's my motto. When I'm happy, i know I'm truly happy, same goes for being excited and eager, etc. My emotions are so concentrated and pure that it can almost be uncomfortable. Same goes for the bad feelings too but Ive gotten pretty good at managing those bad boys. So when life hands you lemons, just ask for a tequila shot ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment